The Valentine Family
by TheShoelessOne
Summary: Within lies the 'uber crossover', including characters from over 15 different animes and books! R&R, please!
1. How it Began

I suppose my story starts when I am born. That's where most people's stories start. Though some do begin with the death and flash back to the birth. But I suppose those aren't as common as the birth beginnings. So I will start with my birth. It all happened quite fast, and it's hard for me to remember it. But it has been firmly established that I was born. And with that solid fact, I shall begin telling my slightly off-kilter story.  
  
  
"Jesus, God! Just get this thing outta me!!" My mother Faye Valentine howled as she clawed at my father's arm. My father, Theoden, winced visibly and gritted his teeth. He tried to comfort her, but she growled at him, nearly biting off one of his fingers. Theoden withdrew in fear. He sat himself in the waiting room, since it seemed to be the reasonable thing to do.   
  
It also happened that every one of his children were also in the waiting room. All 22 of them. Not only that, but my Aunt White Mage and my Uncle Black Mage had also dragged all of their children to the waiting room with them, of which they had 7. My father's mother was sitting at the edge of the room, whereas her husband was sitting across the room in his brown robe. Theoden looked up at all of his children, and called them all to him.  
  
"Aragorn, Eomer, Eowyn, Largo, Roy, Ford, Kuwabara, Nicholas, Meriadoc, Mike, Knuckles, Leah, Mugetsu, Saya, Edward Wong Hau Pepilu Tiveruski the 4th, Jack, Tetsuo, Shadow, Tails, Link, Thomas, Toya, and Merrill, please come here." Then he called to the cousins, "Botan, Jet, Perigrin, Vegeta, Zim, Yuske, and Shu, if you would come as well."  
  
Some of the children couldn't even walk, but the older children carried the small ones. They all sat in their father's (or uncle's) presence. He looked down on all of them and smiled.  
  
"This is going to be your mother's (or aunt's) final child. We don't know what it's going to be, but I do know that you will treat it with the love and respect that you have shown each other."  
  
"Yeah right," one of the older children, Merrill, said as he held the baby Kuwabara close to his chest. Kuwabara was grabbing fistfuls of Merrill's hair and yanking them as hard as he could. Aragorn gave a harsh laugh as the baby Leah punched him futilely in the arm. Theoden cleared his throat as Mike yelped. The baby Tetsuo was kicking Mike in the shin.  
  
A loud screech echoed in the waiting room, meaning only one thing. I had been taken from my mother, and thus I was born! As I've said, the experience was quick, and I remember little of it. Everyone in the waiting room suddenly got a huge smile on their face. But only Theoden was allowed into the room. My mother was perched on her bed, a cigarette ready to be lit in her hand. I was lying, freezing, on a tiny table with a bright light shining on me. It was a while until they remembered that I was there, seeing as they had to convince my mother that smoking in the hospital was illegal. As I said... I don't remember much of it...  
  
  
Time passes easily when you are unable to remember anything for the first year or so of your life. But I guess it went okay, because I am still here, after all. I've sometimes been told what my early, early childhood was like, but the renditions differ from sibling to sibling.  
  
  
"You were the blossoming ideal child that I could only dream would be my sister," said my elder sister Eowyn.  
  
"A weird, noisy, but all around kick-ass baby sister," Kuwabara, my closest brother, said.  
  
"Hmm, you seemed pretty quiet to me." My mother mumbled absentmindedly.   
  
"Though you were pretentious and a bit rambunctious, I would say that, from all your siblings, you were the most enjoyable to rear." My dad Theoden always had something good to say about everybody.  
  
  
So basically, my first year or so is lost to me, saved only in the screwed-up memories of my reckless yet totally enjoyable family. It was when I was 2 that I can recall my first un-scrambled memory. A basketball hit me in the head. I suppose that getting hit in the head with a basketball somehow effects the sports-playing part of a kid's brain, because after that, a lot of memories contained basketball.  
  
  
"Erin heads up!" Nicholas called, but all too late. My toddler feet carried me onto the smooth cement of the basketball court outside of our family Villa. The orange ball hurtled through the sky and struck me neatly on the side of my head. I flew a foot or so and landed on my side. My brother Kuwabara, only a year older than me, waddled to my side, and Nicholas, then a teenager, kneeled by me. But tears weren't in my eyes, and I wasn't crying. Merrill, about the same age as Nicholas, grabbed me in his arms while Nicholas picked the basketball from the cement.  
  
"You okay, Erin?" Merrill asked, cradling me gently. But my eyes were fixed on the vibrant orange ball lying in Nicholas's palm. I reached for it, struggling against Merrill's grip.   
  
"Gimme ball!" I cried, stretching my hands toward it. Nicholas carefully set the ball in my smaller hands, and I gripped it firmly. Merrill set me down on the basketball court. I looked up at him.  
  
"How play?" I asked. Merrill made an agonizing look.  
  
"You better ask Nick. I'm... better at baseball anyway." I looked at Nicholas, still holding a ball that was about as big as I was.  
  
"How play, Nick?"  
  
  
Ah, yes, the basketball. Nicholas taught both Kuwabara and myself to play basketball. My brother Tetsuo seemed interested, but he soon abandoned the sport when he discovered his powers. At times, he would come to our games and make the ball levitate feet above our heads, laughing. It was on my tenth birthday that I would get back at him for that, and I would forever ensure that the ball would no longer levitate.  
  
"C'mon, tell me what you got me!!" I yelled, tugging at Kuwabara's sleeve. He snickered and made the gesture of zipping his lips. I made an infuriated growling noise and ran into the dining room. All of my presents were stacked on the dining room table. My family was already gathering around the table, including my sister Leah, who was one year older than me, and her new husband, Spike Spiegel. I sat at the head of the table, where my father would usually take his seat. I wrung my hands in anticipation as my eyes ran over the presents. There was one from every member of my family. That was 38 presents!! I giggled with glee as Kuwabara walked in and sat next to the head of the table. Toya sat opposite him, a rare smile lighting his face. My father, at the other end of the table, stood and raised his hands for silence. Knowing my family, this took them a total of three minutes. When total silence had been achieved, he looked straight at me.  
  
"Choose a present and begin dear daughter." He mused in his commanding yet fatherly soft tone. With a squeal, I leapt onto the table and into the present pile. Siblings, cousins and other members of my family were pointing to their presents and demanding that I open theirs first. I emerged from the pile holding a blue wrapped present with a gold bow.  
  
"That's mine!" Kuwabara yelled. The din quieted, and I quickly pulled off the bow. Throwing off the top of the box, I gasped at what I saw inside. Siblings pushed each other out of the way to see what I had received. I held the prize above my head: A Very Big Mallet. The polished wooden handle of the mallet gleamed in the light of the setting sun through the windows. I hugged the mallet close to me and sighed.  
  
"Big brother Kuwabara, you're the best!" I cried. I carefully set the mallet in its perfect box and searched for another present. This time, it was a bright powder blue with a pink bow. Botan gave a high pitched squeal.  
  
"Mine, mine!" Botan chimed. I unwrapped it, not expecting anything greater than the Very Big Mallet. It wasn't better, but just as great.  
  
"Botan... my very own oar?" Tears started to form in my eyes. Botan nodded enthusiastically. I sat on the oar and urged it to go up, and it obeyed my every command. I couldn't have been happier. And I still had 36 more presents to go.   
  
The next present I grabbed was a regular orange wrapped one with an orange bow. Merrill laughed and announced that it was from him. Anticipation was heavy in his voice. I knew that this present had to be a good one. I slowly unwrapped it, saving the orange paper and bow to keep in my room. A gasp exited my mouth like no other gasp I had ever gasped before. The tears that Botan's gift had created came spilling down my face, and I looked up at Merrill with adoration. My bottom lip trembled.  
  
"Your... your... 507-footer alien-bashing baseball bat!!" My voice was quavering. Merrill nodded. "But... you can't give this to me!"   
  
"Sure I can! It's your birthday. I fixed it up just for you."   
  
Presents were unwrapped at unusual speed, seeing as I wished to try out my new weapons. From Aragorn, I received a short sword with the word Renech etched on its blade. A collaborated gift from the twins Eomer and Eowyn was a saddle. They told me that the rest of the gift was waiting outside in the maze. Roy had made armor identical to his for me, but his had colored it orange. Ford had carefully wrapped a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, making sure none of it spilled. I drank it as I opened the present from Nicholas, which happened to be two cross-shaped cuff links like his. Merry had given me a dark wooden pipe and a small pouch of Old Toby. Like I would ever smoke, I though as I finished off my Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. Mike had wrapped his old stand-by: Crow, one of our pet robots. I unwrapped the box, and Crow popped out in a shower of confetti.  
  
"Hey, Erin! It's me, Crow! Again!!" I quickly shoved him back into the box and continued unwrapping. Knuckles gave me a brand-new shovel with a mahogany polished wood handle. Leah had wrapped a coffin in black wrapping paper. She just smiled and said: "If you ever wanna join Saya and myself." They were vampires of course. Her husband Spike had also generously given me a present: a coupon to one of his martial arts teachers on Ganameade. Mugetsu's gift was unusual to say the least. A moldy orange sprinkled with what appeared to be body glitter and bread crumbs was wrapped neatly in orange tissue paper and tied with a ribbon that stated: 'You are a noodly monkey and I like fish.' I quickly set it aside and opened Saya's present. It was a fork. At least it was better than her last present: a dirty, used Tupperware bowl. Next was Ed's gift, which was a computer that would only go to the websites that Ed enjoyed. Tetsuo offered to give me the capsules that awoke his power in the first place. I said I'd think about it. Shadow wrapped a Chaos Emerald while Tails made me a miniature model of his Tornado. Link gave me a pet fairy while Ghan-buri-Ghan gave me a blowgun complete with poisoned darts. Toya walked over to the corner and stood next to something covered in a tarp.  
  
"I knew how much you always wanted to ride my motorcycle, so..." he flung the tarp off of the gift, and my heart stopped dead. An orange motorcycle! My mouth opened and closed a few times, and I fell to my knees. I squealed an almost infinitesimal "Thank you." Thomas walked up to me with his gift. It was also wrapped in orange. He handed it to me.  
  
"You probably won't like it as much as Toya's, but I had to custom order this guy. I hope you like it." I opened his present to find only a small black stick with a single button on it. I picked it up apprehensively. Thomas smiled, "Press the button, Erin," he told me. I did so. With a hum, an orange beam of light emerged from the end of the stick, and my eyes widened with amazement. An orange light saber! An orange light saber! I could've died then and been happy. But I still had some gifts to unwrap.  
  
Jet gave me a cookbook including Bell Peppers and Beef, Pippin wrapped up a hand-made pint mug to drink from, Vegeta had a scouter for me, Zim wrapped up Gir, Yuske gave me his first detective item, and Shu handed me his famous weapon: the stick. Mom had a pack of cigarettes for me, but I gave them to Spike. Dad gave me an ancient horn forged in the First Age. Uncle Black Mage gave me a big hat just like his while Aunt White Mage gave me an anti-hacker software for Ed's computer gift. Gramma Pearl specially wrapped the original reel of "The Quest of the Delta Knights", and Grandpa Treebeard gave me a piece of Orthanc. Finally, Great-Grandpa Paul Luther handed me his old crossbow.   
  
By far, in the history of the world, this had to have been the best birthday ever. No other birthday could have, in any way, stood up to the greatness of my birthday. I whirled my orange light saber once more before I retracted its light blade with a swift wrist motion. I hugged Merrill's baseball bat close to me and snuggled it for a moment before Kuwabara ran up to me. I sat up in the bottom of the bunk bed I shared with Merry. Kuwabara had a basketball in his hand.  
  
"The next rung of the tournament is up! It's our team vs. Nick's team! C'mon, it starts in a couple minutes!" He grabbed my wrist, but I objected.  
  
"Wait a sec, bro-bro Kuwabara. I just know that Tetsuo's gonna try to mess up our game again." I grabbed the short sword that Aragorn gave me and stuck it into its small scabbard around my waist. I stuck the light saber hilt into my belt loop. Kuwabara gave me a quizzical look, but I grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room after me.  
***  
  
"The second match of the tournament begins soon!" Faye, my mom, called through her megaphone. We'd set up small bleachers on one side of the court where the family members that weren't playing could watch. "The match will be standard five on five, and the first team with the most points after ten minutes gets to move on! The losers get to wash the dishes after diner!"  
  
  
I wrung my hands as I scanned the audience for Tetsuo. He wasn't present. Did that mean that he was on the opposing team? I heard my mom beginning to talk again.  
  
"The first team includes Kazuma Kuwabara Valentine, Ford Prefect Valentine, Merrill Hess Valentine, Erin Valentine and Toya Kinomoto Valentine!" Our team ran out onto the court amidst a wave of applause. I waved my arms above my head and bowed.  
  
"The opposing team is made up of Nicholas Wolfwood Valentine, Eomer Valentine, Eowyn Valentine, Tetsuo Shima Valentine and Yuske Urameshi Mage!" They, too, ran onto the court while the other members of our family clapped. I glared at Tetsuo, and he just winked at me. Jet sauntered onto the pavement as I took my position next to the basket, opposite Merrill. Ford was in front of me, Kuwabara opposite him. Toya was our forward. Tetsuo lined up with Toya, being the opposing team's forward. I saw that Nicholas was opposite me. How was I supposed to guard him? Merrill nudged me, and motioned for us to switch places. I smiled and moved to where I would guard Yuske. Merrill gave me a "thumbs up" sign and then focused his attention on the game.  
  
Jet held the ball at waist level and looked around at all of us. "All paired up? Good. Now here're the rules: Fouls are considered to be things along the lines of: purposely pushing someone, purposely attacking someone with hands or feet, or screaming wildly and biting at someone's face. Other than that, anything goes. Weapons or other supernatural powers can by all means be used. Now, let's play some basketball." Blowing the whistle in his hand, my cousin threw the ball into the air. Toya could jump higher than Tetsuo, but Tetsuo also had the power to fly. Tetsuo smacked the ball down to Eowyn, who dribbled like lightning toward our basket.   
  
"Erin, heads up!" Ford called as Eowyn streaked by him. I reached into my belt loop and grabbed my light saber. It flashed quickly, causing Eowyn to scream and recoil. In that moment, I grabbed the ball from the air and started to fly down the court. Tetsuo, from his vantage point in the air, raised his arm in the air. The ball flew from my hands and into his. He smirked and started laughing at me. My hand dove into my pocket and grabbed the capsules that Tetsuo himself had given to me on my birthday. I threw them into my mouth, swallowed, and jumped into the air to meet him.  
  
Flying was a totally new and weird sensation. I wobbled at first, but I put my light saber before me and lunged at Tetsuo. He dodged out of the way, passing the ball to Nicholas. Nicholas was dumbfounded at first, but snapped out of it when Merrill came running toward him, ready to liberate the ball. My light saber brushed against Tetsuo's shoulder before I forced myself to fly toward the ground. I landed hard and fell to my knees, but I got up and flicked my wrist, retracting my light saber. Tetsuo had this look on his face that summarized many forms of anger and disbelief. He held his shoulder and blood flowed from the wound I had created. I decided it best to follow the fast-moving orange ball than to deal with Tetsuo. It was then that I saw Ford taking the ball up and slamming it into the net. Our half of the crowd cheered. Ford and Merrill slapped hands and jogged back down to our end of the court. Eomer passed the ball to Tetsuo, who was on the ground again. Tetsuo glared at me, and jumped high into the air. I leapt after him.  
  
I flicked my light saber out and thrust it toward him. He surrounded himself in a red aura and blocked with his arm. I flipped around in the air, grabbed Renech from its scabbard, and threw it at the arm holding the ball. It was deflected with a metallic clinking noise, but I dove in, grabbing the ball with my left arm. Tetsuo flew after me. I swiftly made a pass to Toya, who had to jump into the air to catch it. Toya dribbled like a mad man, and he swerved into the opposing team's defenses. I swooped upwards in an arc, and scanned the air for Tetsuo. His body rammed into my abdomen, knocking the air out of me. I gasped for breath, but Tetsuo shoved me into the pavement. I tried to punch at him, but a sickening thud from behind Tetsuo confirmed that I was going to be okay. Tetsuo's eyes rolled back into his head, his grip loosened, and he fell to the ground beside me. I saw Kuwabara standing over me, and he gave his hand. I grabbed it and he pulled me to my feet. Jet blew his whistle.  
  
"Foul by Tetsuo! Foul shot for Erin! Also, foul by Kuwabara, foul shot for Tetsuo... when he wakes up."  
  
I grabbed the ball in my hands and stood at the foul line. It was hard for me to focus, and the ground felt wobbly under my feet. I felt my head, but I shook off the feeling and aimed. The basket slid in and out of focus, and it started turning all sorts of colors. The ball dropped from my shaking hands, and I took in short, panicky breaths. Nicholas stepped out of the lineup and ran to steady me as I staggered.  
  
"Erin? Erin, can you hear me?" Nicholas called. I shivered, and my eyes rolled back into my head. Merrill and Kuwabara dashed to help Nicholas prop me up.  
  
"What the fuck..." I garbled, "is in Tetsuo's capsules?"  
  
A more serious tale, to say the least, but it proves that Tetsuo never tried to levitate the ball anymore. I also tried to use those powers minimally. Heh... More important aspects of my life came into focus after that year... Especially one year, when I was 14. That was the year I went to Kindergarten. Kindergarten may seem innocent to the likes of puny mortals like you readers out there, but it's much more foreboding than your parents let on. Vile things go on inside those classrooms... especially the ones we were in... 


	2. Going To School: Mr Harrison

Knock, knock.   
  
"Early… Too… Damn… Early…" Faye mumbled as she walked toward the double doors in the front of our house. The knock came again, more insistent this time. Her hand had barely enough strength to grasp the door handle. It swung open to reveal a man with his hands in the pockets of his large tan trench coat.   
  
"Ma'am." He tipped his hat at her. "I'm the local truancy officer, and I've come to inquire about the schooling of your children." Faye scratched her head sleepily, her hair still mussed up and her eyes droopy.   
  
"Children?"   
  
"Yes, ma'am. I've been told that you have 22 children that have not been attending school for 30 years." Faye looked perplexed for a moment, and took the clipboard from the man's hand. "There's a typo on there, ma'am. 300 years?"   
  
"No, it's right. Botan's 300 all right." She handed the clipboard to the truancy officer. "But she's a smarty!" My mother laughed hysterically for a couple of moments, then collapsed onto the floor. Very tired, I guess. Behind my mother was my father, Theoden. He looked at my mother, snoozing, then at the truancy officer.   
  
"Excuse my wife, she's very tired." The man looked at Faye, then to Theoden. "Wife, sir?" Faye stumbled to her feet and grabbed my father's cheek between her thumb and forefinger.   
  
"Ain't he a cutie?" She fell asleep again, and my father slung her over his shoulder. He smiled invitingly at the man.   
  
"So you wish to see my children and their cousins? Come then, and you may eat with us."   
  
"It must be a hassle taking care of 23 children." The officer said as he stepped into the lobby. Theoden patted the younger man on the back.   
  
"Not all of our children live with us at the moment, but the others take care of themselves."   
  
  
"DIE URAMESHI!!!"   
  
"SPIRIT GUN!!"   
  
  
The truancy officer walked into pure chaos. I grabbed my orange light saber and Kuwabara grabbed his Rei-kai. Vash screamed, grabbing onto Thomas. Thomas threw Vash off of him, and Link took out the Master Sword. The Spirit Gun was reflected back as Kuwabara hit it as a home run.   
  
"DUCK!" yelled Eomer as he grabbed the arm of his twin Eowyn. Everyone hit the floor as the Spirit Gun bounced around the room, barely missing the truancy officer's head. I jumped to my feet, light saber in hand.   
  
"Fools!!" I screamed as I grabbed a slice of ham from my plate. Spike shot it right out of my hand and Ford caught it in his mouth.   
  
"Hey! That was Erin's ham, dammit!" Kuwabara yelled as he charged toward the others in rage. I followed, calling my war cry. ("HAAAAAM!!") Knuckles, in a panic, dug a hole in the middle of the floor. All of my siblings and cousins crowded into the hole after him. My brother and I stood over the hole. I grabbed my shovel and held it over my head.   
  
"You cannot hide for long, ham hoarder! I HAVE A SHOVEL!!" I began to dig furiously, calling out the names of those hiding. "Come out Jack, Largo, Aragorn, Eomer, Eowyn, Ford, Merry, Mike, Spike, Knuckles, Roy, Link, Vash, Thomas, Botan, Jet, Pippin, Yuske, and ZIM! FIGHT MEE!!"   
  
"Ahem." My father said softly. All attention turned to him. He set my mother down in a chair, still sleeping. "We have a guest, children. His name is Harrison. John Harrison. He is the truancy officer, and he says that you children haven't attended school. Is this true?" There was a silence that echoed through the room. No one spoke. Spike cocked his head.   
  
"Sk-oo-ll?"   
  
"What is this thing you call… 'Sk-oo-ll'?" Roy asked, jumping out of the hole. Thomas raised his hand.   
  
"I went to school once…" Ford smacked him upside the head.   
  
"No one asked you, Thomas!"   
  
"I've heard of 'sk-oo-lls' before." Mike said quietly. "They keep you locked in a room with a bunch of strangers, writing strange messages on this thing that's not really black… I've heard that some people never come back…"   
  
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!" Vash yelled, backing away. Jet grabbed Vash from behind.   
  
"Why don't you just shuddup and listen to the man?"   
  
"YOU CAN'T MAKE US!!" I cried, lifting my light saber above my head. A shot rang in the air, and we all settled down. My mother set her gun down on the table.   
  
"You brats woke me up. Now I'm mad. What the hell is this 'sk-oo-ll' thing, and will it keep them out of my hair?"   
  
"Our school will offer your children wonderful learning experiences… The only problem is that they've never attended a school before and will therefore have to start in kindergarten. We will have a bus come and pick them up first thing tomorrow morning. I'd like to meet those of your children who live away from this house and tell them about coming to school as well." Mr. Harrison said.   
  
"No you don't." Faye warned. The officer looked at her in an appalled way. "Having your children living away from you is one thing, but not wanting to see them is horrible!"   
  
"No, you don't understand. You really don't want to see them." Theoden backed my mother up. The officer shook his head.   
  
"I'm afraid I'll have to go see them." He looked at the clipboard. "I believe their names are Tails, Shadow, Wolfwood, Ed, Saya, Mugetsu, and Leah." Everyone in the room suddenly grabbed onto the person next to them, some of us weeping softly. Thomas grabbed onto Ford, but Ford smacked Thomas upside the head. I cried loudly into Kuwabara's shirt.   
  
"You dare mention the names of the demented in this house?" Eomer's voice quavered with fear. Even Zim was scared.   
  
"I don't understand you people. They're your family."   
  
"I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE YOU SPEAK OF!!" Aragorn yelled as he shielded Vash, who was cowering in the corner.   
  
"Well, I'm going, and I'll need someone to show me the way." Mr. Harrison said. Link sheathed the Master Sword and stood.   
  
"I'll take you."   
  
"You can't forget me!" Yuske demanded.   
  
"If Urameshi's goin' then I'm goin' too." Kuwabara stuttered.   
  
"NO, OH BRO-BRO OF BRO-BRO'S! You can't sacrifice yourself…WITHOUT ME!" I grabbed Renech and jumped up with the others.   
  
"I still don't get you guys. It's like you're going off to battle."   
  
"OH BUT WE ARE!!" I cried. "It is you that does not understand the consequences, Mr. Harrison!" Dark and scary music floated through the room. Mr. Harrison looked around, frightened.   
  
"Where's that music coming from?"   
  
"Oh, that's just Crow messin' wit yo head." I told him.   
  
"There's another kid messing around out there?" Mr. Harrison asked, exasperated. Mike gasped.   
  
"NOT A KID, YOU FOOL! Crow is a robot!"   
  
"This is such a messed up family." Mr. Harrison mumbled to himself.   
  
  
  
And so our journey began… 


	3. Going To School: Leah's Mansion

"Be wary, now, as we enter the gates." Link told Harrison. Yuske sighed.   
  
"Cut it out, Link."   
  
"Yea, seriously." I voiced.   
  
"WHO DARES ENTER THE GATES OF THE MAZE!! SPEAK NOW AND I WILL NOT DESTROY EVERY FIBER OF YOUR MORTAL SOUL!!"   
  
"Just us, Smaug." Kuwabara said. The red dragon lifted his head far above the tops of the hedge maze. He smiled.   
  
"Ah yes. Where are you traveling to now, family?" We all hung our heads. Tears were in my eyes as I spoke to our Dragon.   
  
"The… The Castle…" Smaug gasped and leapt to his feet.   
  
"Surely not! To go there, among those… things! Surely you speak of nothing but… Death!"   
  
"Don't try to talk us out of it, Smaug." Yuske said. He put his hands behind his head. "Being dead isn't so bad." I started to cry again, and shoved my face into my hands. Mr. Harrison was not only scared to death by seeing a dragon, but he was now thoroughly frightened.   
  
"What's so horrible over there that you think that you could die?" He asked, his voice quavering. Kuwabara got a real serious look on his face and glared down at the frightened Mr. Harrison.   
  
"Four words: The Insane Arts."   
  
"That's eight, big brother." I told him.   
  
"Of course not," said Link, "it's only one!"   
  
"You're all wrong," Yuske informed us, "it's twelve."   
  
"I keep finding more and more reasons to send you all to school." Harrison grumbled.   
  
"If you must go, please, try to return safely. My food bowl won't be as full without you." We walked off, waving goodbye to our faithful pet Dragon. I turned on my light saber and threw Renech to Yuske.   
  
"Why does everyone in this house have some sort of weapon?" Mr. Harrison asked. I jumped up on top of his shoulders.   
  
"YOU CAN NEVER BE TO CAREFUL, MR. TRUANCY MAN!!" I jumped off of him and pointed forward. "Through that door, we go down into a room that leads to the tunnel. The tunnel connects the Villa to the Castle, where the insane part of the family resides. The tunnel used to be very big and confoozyness, but my bro-bro Knuckles dug and dug. He made it a pretty hallway."   
  
"Confoozyness eh? Spelling Bee material, that is… Confoozyness…" Mr. Harrison hung his head. Link opened the door and we all stepped inside. There was a long flight of stairs leading down to a room that ended in a coffin. The truancy officer shuddered.   
  
"Are you sure we're in the right room?" He asked, creeped out.   
  
"Of course." Kuwabara said, opening the lid of the coffin.   
  
"GYAHHHH!!!" The thing in the coffin popped out, screaming wildly, clinging to Mr. Harrison's face. He screamed, trying to pry it off of his face.   
  
"Tom!" Yuske yelled, holding the Spirit Gun up to the robot's head. "Let the nice man's face go!" Tom Servo dropped to the floor and grabbed onto my foot.   
  
"I was locked in that stupid coffin I ordered from The Screaming Skull! Now wasn't that a predicament?" He laughed and hovered off, closing the door behind him. Harrison lay on the floor, his breathing ragged and labored. Link grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet.   
  
"Don't let Tom scare you. He and Crow just like to mess with the minds of our guests." I hopped into the coffin and disappeared through the hole in the bottom. My brothers and cousin followed me, and Mr. Harrison reluctantly followed. We dropped down into the tunnel. At the very end of the hall/tunnel was a light. I began to hyperventilate.   
  
"What if he tries to eat me again?! I can't stand the pressure! Help!" I started to back up, but Kuwabara pulled me back, shielding my eyes.   
  
"It'll be okay, baby sister. I'm here. He won't eat you without eatin' me first!" It took a little over 5 minutes to walk through the whole hall. I pawed at Kuwabara's arm in fear, and he put his hand on my head. Harrison began to grow extremely nervous.   
  
"Who tried to eat what, now?" He asked me. I began to shake, and Kuwabara glared at the truancy officer.   
  
"Why don't you just shut up and you'll find out who's eating who soon enough." Harrison was dead silent. He was seriously thinking this was a bad idea. Then again, we had warned him. The door at the end of the tunnel opened up into a dimly lit room. In the far corner of the room was a yellow fox with two tails. In his hand was a great big wrench. He was standing next to a huge blue machine. He squinted to look at us.   
  
"Erin? Link, Kuwabara and Yuske too? You guys came back? Wow! I never thought you'd ever want to come here again!" He ran over to us and laughed.   
  
"What're you workin' on now, Tails?" Yuske asked, glancing at the machine.   
  
"Oh, just fixing up the hyper coraterial trioculator on the PD80006429 Tornado." "Oh, that old thing." Kuwabara said. Harrison scratched his head. This kid seemed nice… and smart too. There seemed to be no problem what-so-ever with the Castle… "We can't stay here for too long." Link said. "We have business within the Castle." Tails stopped laughing suddenly and his mouth grew into a thin line. His eyes nervously darted across the room.   
  
"I, uh… Can't help you there, guys… It's either here or the attic for me. Just… Just be careful. You can't trust those minions, you know."   
  
"We know." I said quietly. A tense air filled the room. Link's hand nervously found the doorknob and settled on it. He began to sweat.   
  
"Okay, guys. I'm opening the door." He grabbed his Master Sword. Kuwabara formed his Rei-kai and I turned on the light saber. The door slowly creaked open like in those cheesy horror films. I hid my eyes. There was a long, empty stone corridor lit by torches. Kuwabara's grip on my shoulder tightened. Mr. Harrison began to walk forward into the corridor. Yuske gasped.   
  
"No, you fool!"   
  
"Deddo ushi! KEE-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Out of nowhere, a man in gray hopped directly in front of Harrison's face, then began bounding around the corridor, laughing insanely. Mr. Harrison screamed and fell back onto his large booty. I charged in, light saber first. All of my attacks missed, and the mad man kept slapping and punching me in the oddest of places, such as the shoulder and kneecap and whatnot. I fell to the ground near Harrison, a cut on my face.   
  
"Ooh, kotta!" The madman said as he stood over me. I screamed.   
  
"No! Not kotta!!" Kuwabara yelled, taking into mind that it was Japanese for tasty. He pointed the tip of the Rei-kai at the mad man's neck. The oddball smiled like a frog.   
  
"Ooh, Kuwabara! Puriti fu-do!" He back flipped away from the point of the energy sword and jumped up. Thus, he disappeared. I lay on the floor, crying softly. Harrison stood, shakily. Kuwabara helped me up, Yuske and Link hiding behind Tails's machine. Tails shook his head.   
  
"What did I tell you guys? Now he's gonna have his minions after you if you can't get Leah to stop him."   
  
"What… What was he saying?" Harrison asked Yuske. Yuske and Link walked into the corridor.   
  
"Speaking Japanese. First, he said 'dead cow'. Then he called Erin 'tasty'. He already tried to eat her. Then he called Kuwabara 'pretty food'. He must be hungry." "Be on your guard, then." Link told us. I wiped the tears and blood from my face. We waved goodbye to Tails, and he closed the door behind us. I leaned against Kuwabara, still scared.   
  
"I though he was gonna try to eat me again." I said softly. Kuwabara smiled and hugged me.   
  
"I told ya, baby sister: He ain't gonna eat you without eatin' me first." We walked on, all on high alert. Link walked in front, with Yuske tagging at the end of the procession. Harrison was seriously afraid now, and I comforted him.   
  
"Don't worry, Mr. Truancy Officer, sir. He won't try to eat you until he knows you." Mr. Harrison hid his eyes in his hands.   
  
"Thanks a lot, kid."   
  
"Shh. Listen." Link whispered. Yuske caught up with us and got Renech at the ready. It was the steady sound of an internal combustion engine, and it was getting closer. "No, it can't be. Not yet." I whimpered. Kuwabara held me closer. I hid my eyes in his shirt. With a roar, a huge red motorcycle leapt above us, its riders whooping. It landed, tires skidding as it turned to face us. The two riders, a boy with a black bowl cut and a girl with wild green hair, smiled at us. The girl stood up, looking at us. I looked up at her. Her mouth opened to reveal sharp white teeth that gleamed like a cheesy lens flare.   
  
"I LIKE PIE!" She yelled.   
  
"LEAH!" we yelled back. She hopped off of the motorcycle and came running toward us, arms spread wide. She passed us up and ran right into Mr. Harrison and caught him in a crushing embrace.   
  
"I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!" She squeezed him and he squeaked in terror. The man on the motorcycle put out the kickstand and walked over to us.   
  
"Hey, long time no see." He said to Kuwabara and Yuske. They all gave each other weird handshakes (never could figger 'em out O_O) and laughed. I smiled. Kaneda wasn't one of the weird ones. He looked over at me.   
  
"Yo, Kaneda. How's life treatin' ya?" I asked, giving him a high five. Our knuckles met, and he answered.   
  
"Life sucks." He said with a wink. He then walked over to Leah, who still had our friend the truancy officer in her death grip, and poked her on the shoulder.   
  
"Yes, O Kaneda, the one I love?" She asked, looking over her shoulder.   
  
"Put the nice man down now, Leah."   
  
"I obey you, O love." Leah said as Mr. Harrison fell in a heap at her feet. She glomped him.   
  
"Anyway…" Harrison said as he brushed himself off, "About this school business…"   
  
"NO!" We all yelled at the same time. Kaneda's friendly gaze turned to hate. "What now?" He asked. Harrison cowed under the gaze.   
  
"Leah and her siblings all have to start back in school." Mr. Harrison said without thinking of what horrible things brewed in Kaneda's mind. The red motorcycle was lifted up over Kaneda's head, his eyes ablaze with hate.   
  
"I HATE SCHOOL!!"   
  
"Put the motor bike down, dear." Leah mused. Humbled, Kaneda set it down.   
  
"Yea, Leah, this dude says that we all gotta go back to school." Yuske said. Link was silent. He didn't like gang peeplz.   
  
"Do I get food stuffs?" She asked.   
  
"Yes, lunch is provided." Harrison told us. All of the people present, save Harrison, joined hands and went around in a circle.   
  
"FOOD STUFFS, FOOD STUFFS, FOOD STUFFS, YAY!" We all chanted.   
  
"Kotta jin dansu!!" The crazy guy appeared out of nowhere. We all stopped dancing quickly. My eyes grew wide. Out of the shadows materialized his minions. They raised their hands out as if to grab our very souls from our bodies. The strangling cry in my throat changed its mind about halfway up and came out as a laugh. The mindless minions walked straight into doors, walls, each other… whatever was in their way. Kuwabara, next to me, breathed a sigh of relief. Everyone put their weapons to their sides as the crazy dude back flipped toward Leah. She put her hand out, stopping him in his tracks.   
  
"Baka sonkei. I told you, Mugetsu: No using minions to do your evil deeds before dinner." Mugetsu hung his head in shame.   
  
"It was the evil minions who told me to do it!"   
  
"They can't think for themselves, bakamono." Leah rapped him over the head with a stick that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.   
  
"Well… I told them to tell me to do it!"   
  
"I… don't understand…" Harrison squeaked, mortally terrified. He poked one of the minions in the back, not getting a reaction out of it.   
  
"Oh, Mugetsu has complete and total control of these worthless minions and they react to his every whim. That's all."   
  
"If that's all… I'll never be able to talk to anyone normally ever again, thanks to you kids."   
  
"Thank you." I said as I bowed.   
  
"Ready, dinner is. Come you must if eating is what you wish to do." Leah changed her voice to sound like Yoda. Her cloak whirled around her, and she disappeared with a puff of smoke. Harrison blinked rapidly for a few minutes, then Yuske smacked the back of his head.   
  
"Hey, she said food! That means we move and get not hungry!" Harrison couldn't move.   
  
"I'm afraid that Leah's done it again." Link sighed sadly. He took out some rope and tied it around the truancy officer's hands and feet. Link and Yuske took the ropes that were about his hands, and Kuwabara and I handled maneuvering the feet. We dragged him along, straining to do so.   
  
"Jesus," Yuske breathed, "Just how many burgers can one guy eat?"   
  
"I think Mr. Harrison was a garbage disposal in a former life." I answered, gritting my teeth.   
  
"Here, let us help you with that." I heard a heavy voice call from the shadows. I turned to look, and I saw a man in a large coat with a big arzed sword and a man with blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. They each grabbed two ropes and pulled the truancy officer along like he was a beach ball. Why a beach ball? It's round, like our dear friend, the unconscious Mr. Harrison.   
  
"Nice to see you again, Auron… Lafarga…" I said, smiling. Lafarga smiled back.   
  
"Nice to see someone else with half a sane mind, Erin. The minions are the worst of it."   
  
"And where might Spike be this fine evening?" The older man asked, pushing up his sunglasses.   
  
"Playin' poker, what else?" Kuwabara answered, catching up to us. He gave me a fake punch on the shoulder. "Leave the old guys to Leah, huh?" He said playfully.   
  
"Only old in some respects, eh, Auron?" Lafarga said with a laugh. We came upon wooden double doors that were bigger than those of our mansion. It took all six of us to open it. Inside was a huge dirt arena, with, barely visible, a table in the middle. It took us five minutes to get to the table in the middle, where Leah was hovering, asleep.   
  
"Urgh…" Leah said dreamily, "A little higher, Spikey… There ya go. Now here's the hammer… A little to the left… Pretty picture… Don't hit your finger… BLARGH!" She woke up suddenly, breathing hard. "No… He hit his finger and got a boo-boo!" Tears welled in her eyes and she blew her nose into the hand of an evil minion. Link turned away and put his hands over his mouth. Leah looked over at us.   
  
"Fambly!" She cried, her arms stretching to the sky. Everyone but Link and the incapacitated Harrison imitated her gesture. "Food orders, Mugetsu!" The man in gray with an odd mask with bars on it fell out of the sky and plopped down on the dusty floor. He looked around at the shadows. Out of the shadows (there are a lot of shadows in this place, huh?) stepped the mindless evil minions. Each one had a chef's hat on and an apron that said 'Kiss the Evil Minion' on it. They each had a clipboard in their hands. Harrison began to stir, and we helped him to his feet. One came close to me and groaned loudly. I nodded.   
  
"Yes, the cow sounds good." I told him. Harrison raised his hand.   
  
"I'll have the hamburger as well, if you don't mind." He said, oblivious to the meaning of cow.   
  
"No, no, no, Mr. Harrison. Cow: not hamburger. I'll have mine black and white." "Can mine be just plain old brown?" Yuske asked.   
  
"I'd like mine albino." Kuwabara said. "I like mine rare." Link shook his head. "Is there any way I can get mine cooked? Raw food makes me sick." The mindless minion moaned in agreement. Harrison looked pale, as if he were going to be sick.   
  
"I'll have a cooked cow, like Link, please." A vile feeling was pushing its way through his insides. It didn't help that Leah "rang the dinner bell." Her lips formed around the immense mouthpiece of a giant saxophone. Her whole mouth couldn't fit around the huge mouthpiece, seeing as it was three feet in diameter. Her evil-looking eyes searched those assembled.   
  
  
"Ah HA! Auron, Lafarga, assist me, please." The two eagerly ran up to help her by fitting their mouths onto the mouthpiece as well. I covered my ears, and suggested that Harrison do so as well. Too late. The three story high saxophone seemed to explode with sound, as there was no one large enough to press any buttons. The single, scratchy, wavering note garbled its way through the halls of the Castle, boring into my brain in the process of calling the family to dinner. The note, along with the breath of those producing the note, died slowly and squeaked into non-existence. Mr. Harrison fell to his knees; his eyes wide and pupils contracted almost to the point of being gone. The family unplugged their ears and went to attending to the poor truancy officer. Kuwabara grabbed Mr. Harrison's right arm and pulled him to his feet. Harrison could only stare in shock. "Stop bein' a wimp, Harrison. Saya's a girl, and she can stand it." Harrison brushed himself off. A sudden cold voice pierced the air and Kuwabara stod shock still.   
  
"Why do you have something against me, younger brother? Have I been nothing but a sister to you? Or am I just another girl!?" A cold white hand wrapped around the back of my older brother's neck, its fingers at his pressure points. His pupils contracted in fear. My light saber buzzed as it stopped mere millimeters from Saya's arm. Her icy eyes glared up at me with hate.   
  
"Leave him alone, Saya, or you mess with me." Her hand retracted from his neck, and she walked closer to the congregation of people gathering at the table. People were coming through the immense double doors, and I could just make out who some of them were. I could see Malus in his long coat, Ferio with his big arzed sword, a yellow ball of light that could only be Shadow in a hurry… A red-haired teenager bounded into the room like a frog, leaping onto the backs of others… Ed. After her walked a boy with a red cape and spiked up black hair. It was Tetsuo. A man in blue with a giant metal cross on his back walked in last. Saya, Malus and Leah glared at the cross and hissed. They recoiled into their seats and I ran up to greet my brother.   
  
"Nicholas!" I cried, flinging my arms around his neck. He stumbled back because of the unbalance I created against the cross. "Nicholas D. Wolfwood, I missed you!" He patted me on the back.   
  
"You can stop trying to kill me now, little sister." He said, trying to breathe. I let go of his neck. Kuwabara crossed his arms, a faint smile flickering across his face. Nicholas nodded in his direction.   
  
"Is he still worried that I'll knock you out with this cross?" He asked, ruffling my hair. I knocked his hand away playfully.   
  
"Probably. He's always been too overprotective. At least that big ass cross you keep with you will keep Saya off his back."   
  
"Oh, is Saya trying to kill him again?" Nicholas asked with a smile as we began walking toward the table.   
  
"It's only the first time this evening." I answered casually. Kuwabara met us halfway, putting himself between the cross and me. Now that everyone had gathered at the table, the minions began to take the orders from the newcomers. Saya ordered a black cow with O positive blood. Nicholas asked for a green cow, but they were all out so he got a black and white. Shadow demanded that he get a calf that was brown and white. Tetsuo glared evilly at the minion and it backed away from him. Ed was last to order, and this was what she said:   
  
"Ed is hungry! Ed wants food!" She cried as she banged her feet on the table. A minion groaned at her and she hopped up onto it, knocking her knuckles against its head. "Ed doesn't want to eat poor moo-cows! Ed wants pudding! Pudding!!" Growling, Ed fitted her mouth around the minion's head, trying to chew it noisily. Leah hopped onto the same minion and chewed on its left arm. Mugetsu began biting on that minion's ankle. I latched onto the minion's right shoulder, trying to eat it sloppily. The minion, thoroughly confused, dropped to the ground. A different minion brought a bowl of pudding to Ed. She squeaked with joy and hopped up onto the table. I ruffled Mr. Harrison's hair. He withdrew from me, frightened.   
  
There was a large metallic clang as Nicholas set his cross down in the dirt. The vampires got a look of hate in their eyes and slunk quietly to the other side of the table. I grabbed a seat between Nicholas and Kuwabara, a spoon in each hand. Mr. Harrison sat next to Link and Lafarga across from me and looked at his spoons questionably.   
  
"How can you eat a cow with spoons?"   
  
"You don't silly!" I told him, throwing the spoons aside. The cows were dropped onto their appropriate plates and we jumped on top of our cows and began attacking them like lions would gazelles. Harrison screamed like a girl and backed away. Leah looked up from her cow and screamed to mock him. Mugetsu, his cow now in his stomach, screamed along with Harrison and Leah. I smacked my lips and patted my stomach. That was a good cow! I looked at the hamburger sitting quietly on Mr. Harrison's plate. It levitated and floated over to Tetsuo, who then began munching on it thoughtfully. He glanced over at Kaneda, then over to me. He smiled in his odd sort of way. Then it dawned on me! I knew what Tetsuo was thinking.   
  
"Hey Kaneda!" I yelled for my red caped brother. The biker in the red jacket looked over. I pulled my orange tinted biking goggles out of my pocket and strapped them over my hair. Kaneda smiled devilishly, pulling his own goggles over his eyes. Tetsuo stood from the table, pointing to the shadows of the room. Five motorcycles, controlled by his powers, levitated in front of us, and Kaneda grabbed his bike while Tetsuo climbed onto his. I looked at the two that were empty after I was on mine. "Tetsuo, who are those for?" I asked.   
  
"Kai and Yamagata, who else?" He told me. I smiled happily. The gang was back together! Harrison, awake again after fainting, looked at the three of us on the bikes and two more strange people running toward the empty ones in horror.   
  
"Don't worry," Kuwabara whispered in his ear, "They're racing on the path around the edges of the room… Or at least they're supposed to…"   
  
"Comforting, Kuwabara. Very comforting." Harrison's voice quavered. 


	4. Going To School: Bike Race

My bike was orange, of course. I pulled the orange goggles over my eyes and began revving up the bike. It roared to life beneath me. Kaneda and his super ass-kicking red bike were on one side of me, while Kei and his smaller bike were on the other side. After Kei was Yamagata, then Tetsuo. Tetsuo had abandoned his red cape for the race, and had on his normal bike gang outfit. I unbuttoned my orange plaid jacket to reveal the orange "evil face" shirt beneath. Kaneda looked over at me.   
  
"Your lucky shirt, right Erin?" He asked over the roar of the bikes. I nodded vigorously. Yuske walked out onto the track in front of us. In his hand was the leg of his unfinished cow, and he munched on it wistfully. He glanced up at us and threw the leg aside.   
  
"Keep it dirty, gentlemen and lady. No proper passing allowed, no 'thank you' or 'excuse me' permitted, and ABSOLUTELY no 'I'm sorry' at ALL! All ramps are fair game and as many bikes as possible on one ramp, please. And yes, weapons are fair play as well. With that said…" Yuske raised his arm. I revved my bike up again; the tires ready to be off. Kaneda leaned back, his face determined. He winked over at me, and I blushed visibly. Leah growled loudly from the table in the middle of the room. Tetsuo grinned widely and fitted his goggles over his eyes.   
  
Yuske's hand dropped to his side, and I brought the front of my bike up in a wheelie and whooped. Kaneda's front wheel sparked with green electricity and Tetsuo yelled out. We were off! It was horribly clear that Kaneda had the best bike of the bunch. His bike could corner like a dream and I almost forgot what I was doing while I watched that magnificent red machine barrel ahead of all the others… and the bike wasn't that bad either. But as soon as my front wheel touched the dirt, I skidded off, leaning down so my head was below the shield to make me more aerodynamic. Our engines growled and screamed at each other, and I grabbed something out of my belt loop. I flicked my wrist and my lightsaber opened up. I closed in on Kei just as a ramp toward the first turn was coming up. Kei missed the ramp as Yamagata ran his bike into Kei's. Kei wobbled, but was undaunted. My tires leaped up onto the ramp, and I went up and up.   
  
The thrill of flying through the air on a machine like mine is unchallenged by most anything else. I soared over both Kei and Yamagata, both looking up at me, yelling my head off. My bike and I hit the dirt, sending a cloud of it up after us. I accelerated quickly; Yamagata burst through the dust could first, followed closely by Kei. I could see Tetsuo, and I knew he could see me. He glanced over his shoulder and whipped out his long metal pipe. I pushed my bike to the limit as I sped by the second turn flawlessly. Behind the light trail left by my bike, Yamagata accelerated and his front tire was soon chewing at my back one. "You're goin' down, chick!" He laughed, as he was about to rev up the engine to overtake me. My lightsaber buzzed like a flash of lightning and bit through his front tire. With a quick yelp, he spun out of control. He dove off his bike, rolling in the dirt, as it flew sideways up the ramp and smashed into the dinner table in the middle. Kei flew up the ramp after it and hit the ground with a thud close behind me. My front tire nudged Tetsuo's foot as I closed in on him. He looked over at me and grabbed the pipe in his good hand. He swung at my head once, but he missed as I swerved the bike away quickly.   
  
He swung again, and hit my left hand. I cried out and let go of the handlebars. Tetsuo smirked and sped up. I grabbed back on with my right hand, the knuckles on my left one bleeding. With the left hand, I went to take Renech out of its sheath, but I had given it to Yuske! Damn! I could see Kaneda speeding through the third turn effortlessly, followed incredibly close by Tetsuo. Tetsuo brought the pipe above his head and whirled it. It flew from his hand and crashed onto Kaneda's back, making Kaneda fall forward onto the control panel of his bike. The bike fell into the dust as Tetsuo passed him up. I gasped as I saw the unconscious Kaneda tumble off his bike. I glared at my older brother, who was now in the lead. I looked at the buzzing lightsaber in my hand and I knew I only had one shot, and I had to make it good. I held the lightsaber like a javelin in my hand, steering my roaring bike with my injured left hand, and threw it toward Tetsuo's raging motorcycle. The lightsaber tip pierced through the gas tank of his bike and ignited the gas inside. Tetsuo, with his special powers, leapt off of the bike and floated in the air as he saw the bike swerve out of control and burst into flames. He glared at me, but then smiled. He had taught me well!   
  
Now it was just me and Kai, and he was closing in. I flew up the ramp with him right beside me. I pushed my engine to its limit and accelerated past him. But he had a card up his sleeve as well. As we both hit the ground, he reached into his belt and pulled out a knife. He aimed at my back tire, and threw with accuracy. It popped loudly as the sharp knife pierced it through. My bike and I tumbled across the "stadium" and landed five feet from where Mr. Harrison stood. Kai pummeled through the final turn and won the race. I stood up shakily, my legs aching. I felt my head. Kuwabara ran up to me and helped me stand up. Nicholas set down his cross and helped to prop me up. There was a large cut across my forehead and I blinked blood from my eyes. I smiled crazily.   
  
"That was the most damn fun I've ever had in my life!" I hugged both of my brothers as Tetsuo landed on the ground, pushing dust into the air with his powers. I suddenly remembered Kaneda. I shook Kuwabara's hand quickly.   
  
"Hold on, big brother, I'll be right back!" I told him as I dashed back out onto the track. Kaneda's bike was fine, just covered in a thin layer of dirt it had shot into the air upon crashing. Tetsuo's pipe had hit him hard, but not hard enough, it seemed. Kaneda sat up as I knelt by him. He rubbed the back of his head and gritted his teeth. I smiled at him and helped him stand up. Tetsuo ran over to us and slung one of Kaneda's arms over his shoulder.   
  
"Sorry I had to do it, Kaneda, but Erin got her revenge on me anyway." He motioned with his head toward his bike, where Link, Shadow, and Lafarga were now trying to extinguish the flames. Kaneda whistled. "But Kei beat me to the finish line." I told them, pointing to the cut on my forehead. "Jesus, but that was a great race!" Yamagata said from where he leaned against his crashed bike at the table.   
  
"You kicked major ass out there, kid!" He said to me. I smiled evilly and showed him my "evil face" shirt.   
  
"Good luck to be evil, isn't it?" I asked. We all moved toward Kai to congratulate him on the win. After all, we were evil but not mean!   
  
  
"You kids are completely insane!!"   
  
"Get off it, Harrison. At least none of us died." Kaneda said casually. I had a bandage wrapped around my head where I had sustained the cut. Kai now had a wreath with Madrangora around his neck, and I could hear Yuske and Ed laughing behind us. Ed had a jar of Magical Nitro in her hands. Nicholas had his arm around my shoulder, and I patted his hand. He smiled at me. Kuwabara walked up to Harrison and poked him hard on the shoulder.   
  
"Hey Harrison, you gonna tell everyone why you're here?" Leah levitated above Harrison's head as she was upside-down. She showed her vampire fangs evilly.   
  
"Yeah, Mr. Tasty Blood Man," Leah laughed, "why are you here?" At the name of "tasty blood man", Saya and Malus glared at Harrison, licking their lips. He started to back away.   
  
"I think that we should all head back to the mansion before we discuss that, Leah. Please, would you all just come back with us?" He asked, motioning to Kuwabara, Yuske, Link and me. Tetsuo glanced at the truancy officer.   
  
"It does seem weird that these guys would just come here to bring you if you just want us to come back to the Villa for no reason… Why are you here, old man?" Tetsuo asked, his anger beginning to show. Everyone slowly began to back away except for Harrison. Bad move once again, Mr. Truancy Man.   
  
"I'm here to bring everybody to school. None of you have ever gone to school, according to these records…" He began to dig in the pockets of his trench coat. He didn't see the red aura beginning to form around Tetsuo.   
  
"Oh I've been to school," Tetsuo muttered, "Ooh yes. And if you think you are gonna make us go back there, you are so wrong, old man. Nothing is gonna make me go back!" The aura became larger and Tetsuo grew angrier. My eyes widened in fear.   
  
"Hit the deck everyone!" Auron yelled. We all dove for the floor as Tetsuo yelled in anger, his aura creating a wave of energy that blasted toward Harrison. Something big and blue dropped in front of Harrison just in time to deflect the attack. Tetsuo glared at it angrily.   
  
"Tails! Get out of the way!" He yelled in a rage. Tails, in his PD80006429 Tornado, harumphed.   
  
"Tetsuo, don't make me sic Akira on you! I know where he's living now, don't think I don't!" The yellow fox stared down at his brother. Tetsuo's aura slowly shrunk and his fists unclenched. I brushed myself off as I stood.   
  
"I suppose it's time for the real plot to get started anyway." I told everybody. "I am the narrator, after all. I could feed you all to Smaug if I wanted the story to have a sad ending."   
  
  
And thus we came back to the Villa. 


	5. Going To School: Bus Ride

"Mommy, I'm scared!" Mugetsu cried, clinging onto Faye's arm. She shook him off and he squeaked. Faye took the cigarette out of her mouth and blew smoke away from us.   
  
"Mr. Harrison said that the bus would be here to pick you kids up right outside the door at 8:00 in the morning. You're all here and you've got your lunch money. Anything else you need to know?"   
  
"Can I have a hug, Mommy?" Mugetsu squeaked. We all piled on top of our mother and hugged her. She screamed and threw us off. I stuck my thumb through the belt loop that usually held my lightsaber. Mr. Harrison had made it clear that there were to be no weapons at school. Mom had us all dressed up in our "best clothes", and of course that meant basically the same things we wore every day. But today was special because I was wearing my khaki pants! Oh joy!   
  
"Give that to me! You can't take it away! I need it!" I heard Nicholas cry from behind me. I turned to see Theoden trying to take his cross away from him.   
  
"It's considered a weapon, Nicholas. It can't be taken to school with you!"   
  
"I'm nothing without my cross! Please, I won't even take it off the bus!"   
  
"No means no, young man! I am your father and you will obey my requests. Now set the cross down!" Defeated, my brother sighed and set the cross on the ground by his feet. Theoden patted him on the back. "Don't worry, Nicholas, it will still be here when you return."   
  
The oddest last minute story had been Knuckles' story. It was about his knuckles of course. Mr. Harrison told him to take the metal diggers off, but was appalled to find that there were sharp knuckles underneath. As Mr. Harrison said: They will have to be filed down for school. Knuckles threatened Mr. Harrison, saying that if they took his knuckles, he would take something just as important to the truancy officer as his knuckles were to him. Of course we strapped my brother down and filed off the points of the dangerous yet amusing knuckles. Maybe it was just because we wanted to see what he would do to Harrison.   
  
With our cheery little backpacks strapped onto us and our clothes ironed to the point of being hard as a rock and flat as a pancake, we stood outside the double doors to wait for our bus. I tried to unbutton my orange plaid jacket to reveal my "evil face" shirt, but it seemed like the buttons were glued into place. Tetsuo growled lightly as he knocked on the front of his white shirt, creating a hollow thudding noise. He was ticked off because Mom put his hair down and took away his cape. But he'd find a way. He was Tetsuo!   
  
Ed soon became restless. She bobbed up and down, swayed side to side and hummed a tune we had never heard before. It repeated five notes over and over monotonously. But it was strangely catchy. My foot tapped to the beat and Aragorn began nodding his head. Ed began making up a little dance while she hummed. Roy started humming along, followed by Tails. I began humming a harmony with Nicholas joining in with the harmony as well. People began snapping their fingers and drumming on their backpacks as we all started humming the five notes. Ed stood out in front of us, clapping her hands to the beat.   
  
"Go-ing to school now! Go-ing to school now!" She started singing the five syllables to the tune that we were all humming. Eowyn, with her beautiful voice, sang the harmony to "go-ing to school now". We all suddenly burst out singing and dancing. Eomer grabbed Shadow, threw him up in the air, and caught him gracefully. I took Tetsuo by the arm and we started swing dancing. Kuwabara played air guitar as the bus pulled around the corner, its horn punctuating on every second beat. Tetsuo threw me up onto his shoulders, where I stood, singing the harmony to Ed's song. I jumped off Tetsuo's shoulders and landed on my knees with my hands raised victoriously above my head.   
  
The bus stopped with a squealing noise, and we all became very quiet. The great yellow monster loomed over us, the great red stop sign flashing its bright lights at us. I stood as if entranced. Ghan-buri-Ghan was the first to dare to walk toward it. I stuck my fist in my mouth to keep from crying out as he disappeared into the bowels of the yellow beast. Leah was suddenly by my side, levitating as she usually did. Behind her were Auron, Vash, and Spike.   
  
"They're my body guards." She told me. "My bestest bro-bro Tetsuo told me to make sure I am protected." She started levitating toward the place where Ghan-buri-Ghan had disappeared. She, along with her husbands/bodyguards, vanished as well. Kuwabara came up behind me, squeezing my shoulder.   
  
"Well, here goes nothin'." He said quietly. He walked away. My eyes filled with tears.   
  
"NO! NOT KUWABARA! TAKE ME, NOT HIM!!" I cried, dashing into the bright flashing lights. I heard Nicholas yell after me.   
  
"Don't do it, Erin! He's not worth it! Erin!!" I heard someone running after me. The smoke coming from the end of the huge monster enveloped me. I coughed loudly, and my eyes watered from all the smoke. I tried to feel my way out of the choking cloud, but I didn't know which way was out. I held myself to calm down. Tears slid down my cheeks and I became frightened.   
  
"Nicholas!" I cried. No one answered. "Kuwabara!" My face was wet with tears. I fell to my knees and stuck my face in my hands. The warm cloud closed in on me, helpless to do anything. Suddenly, something burst into the cloud and pulled me to my feet. I grabbed him and cried into his shirt. Merrill comforted me. He picked me up and carried me past the smoke, to the other side of the yellow beast.   
  
"There, you're okay now, right?" He asked, setting me back on my feet. I wiped my eyes clear of tears and nodded, trying to smile. We both walked up the foreboding stairs into the inside to the ominous machine monster. Hell, but once we got in there, it wasn't so bad. There were two rows of big seats with an isle down the middle. Some of my family, most of which had passed me up while I was lost in the smoke, were already seated near the back of the beast. Leah waved wildly and Kuwabara motioned for us to come back and sit with him. I fairly skipped down the isle and plopped down in the seat with my brother Kuwabara. Merrill sat in the seat across from us. I grabbed Kuwabara's arm in anguish.   
  
"It was so scary! I couldn't see anything! Merrill was so brave!!" I squeezed his arm tighter, and he winced.   
  
"Blood kinda needs to get to my arm, baby sister…" He told me. I let go of his arm, and he rubbed it to get the circulation of blood flowing again. Merrill smiled and leaned back in his seat.   
  
"Hey, this isn't that bad. The seats are comfy!" After almost half an hour, all of my family was seated on the bus. Even with two to a seat, it was very crowded. It seemed that the only person that had a seat to himself was Merrill. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a cigarette. He made a dome around his mouth with his hands and lit it, throwing the used match out of the window. He leaned back against the window, stretching his feet out into the isle. The bus driver swiveled around in her seat and glared at him.   
  
"No smoking on the bus!" she yelled at him. He looked up and rolled his eyes. I covered my mouth to keep from laughing. He took the cigarette out of his mouth, after taking one more puff, and held it up so she could see that he had complied with her orders. She nodded violently and turned back around. He winked over at me and flicked the cigarette, still burning, at her. It landed neatly on top of the bun in her hair. My face turned red from trying to hold in my laughter. Kuwabara leaned over so he could give Merrill a high five. Just as the bus got moving, Tetsuo stuck his arm out the bus window and Nicholas's cross along with Tetsuo's red cape came levitating toward us. Tetsuo grabbed his cape while he strapped the cross to the top of the bus. Through the back window, I could see Theoden and Faye yelling at us. I acted like I didn't know what was going on and waved goodbye to them.   
  
The bus moved down the gravel path, shaking violently like a monster was chewing on it. I grabbed onto the seat in front of me but still I bounced across the seat. I only hoped the ride would get better before it got worse. I could see Zim at the front of the bus being tossed from seat to seat in an effort to stay in one place. Thomas fell into the isle, his feet flying up to kick Ford under the chin. Ford grabbed Thomas's leg and threw him back into his seat, slapping him upside the head for his insolence. It was about then that the bus driver discovered that smoke was billowing from her hair. The bus swerved wildly and people flew everywhere. I was sent airborne and landed in Merrill's face. He yelled and sat up, seeing as he had fallen asleep. Soon, the cigarette had been tossed out the window and we found a real road. The ride was smooth from then on, and I clambered off of Merrill to sit back in my seat.   
  
The bus was quiet. No one spoke. No one knew what to talk about. That was all changed very quickly. I heard something that I had been longing to hear all morning. They had decided to come! I looked out the back window and jumped out of my seat in joy. In doing so, I hit my head on the emergency door hatch. The back door swung open and the alarm buzzed. My head hung out of the opened doorway and I looked out to see three motorcycles zooming toward the bus. The bus driver was yelling incoherently at me to shut the door, but my eyes were fixed on the riding forms of Kaneda, Kai and Yamagata. Kuwabara got out of his seat and he helped me stand. I waved enthusiastically to Kaneda and the others. Yamagata made a very rude gesture with one of his fingers, but I knew that he was just messing with me. Then I saw Kaneda stand up on his bike as Kai grabbed onto it with one of his hands. Yamagata grabbed the other side of the bike. They revved up the engines and moved closer to the open doorway. I stuck my hand out, and Kaneda stretched his out as well. He made a final leap and out fingers intertwined. His feet almost scraped the pavement flying below the bus, but they grabbed a hold at the bottom of the door and I pulled him onto the bus.   
  
By now, the bus driver was in hysterics and all my family aboard the bus were giving raucous applause. Kaneda and I looked around for a moment, then he bowed. I followed his motion as Nicholas pulled the back door shut. Yamagata and Kai pulled off to the side, where I could see them beginning to cover up Kaneda's bike.   
  
We stood from our bows, and the bus driver screamed her head off telling us to find a seat. I sat back down with Kuwabara, who was smiling widely, while Kaneda sat across from me with Merrill. He put his hands behind his head and leaned back. I blushed again, my face burning. Ee! He touched my hand!! I smiled like an idiot. He looked over at me.   
  
"You all right?" He asked. I held my hands up to my face quickly to hide that I was blushing. I peeked through my fingers to answer him.   
  
"I'm good, I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm nice, I'm dandy, I'm happy, I'm perfect, I'm…heh." I smiled like an idiot again. He gave me a very concerned look, and smiled back. He then went back to sitting, looking out the window past the snoring Merrill. I sighed quietly, and Kuwabara glanced over at me. I was grinning stupidly, my face brick red. He nudged me in the side, and I screamed, leaping out of my seat. All eyes turned to look at me. Leah's evil eyes fixed onto my red face, noting that one of her boyfriends was sitting across from me. I stared at her for a moment, then shrunk back, falling to my knees.   
  
"DON'T LOOK AT ME!!" I cried, covering my face. Leah seemed to grow as she levitated toward me. Her vampire fangs were inches from my face, and she proceeded to yell at me.   
  
"STAY AWAY FROM MY PRETTY KANEDA! HE'S MINE! MY OWN! MY PRECIOUSSS!!" I shrunk back so my back was against the emergency door. Kaneda raised his hand.   
  
"Do I have a say in this…?"   
  
"NO! YOU ARE MY KANEDA!" Hugging him tightly, Leah made an evil face at me and stalked away. I breathed hard as the bus pulled to a stop. Everyone was quiet. No one moved. We didn't know what to do. The bus driver stood and looked at all of us. Her eyes stopped on me, sitting in the isle, looking as if I had been confronted by a vampire, which had, of course, happened.   
  
"Well? Are you gonna get off?" she asked loudly. All at once, we filed off the bus quickly, not daring to glance at the enraged bus driver. I was the last one to get off, and I felt the bus driver burning a hole in my back with her eyes. I was met by Nicholas and Tetsuo as I stepped off the last step. Nicholas had unloaded his cross and Tetsuo had his cape on and hair spiked up. I smiled at both of them. But it was quickly wiped off my face as I looked beyond them to see the…. SCHOOL! 


	6. Going To School: Mr Longfellow and Ms Br...

It was a cold, hard, unwelcome building with "death" etched over its every brick. It vibrated with a feeling of pure evil; evil that was unmatched by any in our family. Evil, like the first evil to ever become evil. Cold, foreboding, and… evil! I shuddered. Kuwabara ruffled my hair as he walked up to the three of us. My face was a picture of pure horror. I couldn't take my eyes off of the evil building. By brothers followed my horrified gaze to look at the school.   
  
"Please…" I whispered, "Please don't say that we have to go… in there!" Out of the immensely evil school stepped a neatly dressed man who was balding as we spoke. He seemed calm and quiet. He stood in front of us, and all of us just stood in anticipating horror, our mouths agape in fright. A breeze blew through the trees, then all was silent. Nothing moved. The roaring of two motorcycle engines interrupted the foreboding silence as Yamagata and Kai rode up on their bikes, screeching to a halt right in front of the scary yet nice man. Dust flew up as their tires stopped suddenly. They hit the kickstands out and came out to greet us.   
  
Yamagata and I grabbed each other's hands then hit our knuckles together, smiling. Kai, still wearing his Madrangora victory wreath, stood next to Kaneda and Tetsuo, who was next to me.   
  
"Well, I see some new arrivals shall have to be accounted for." The quiet man said quietly while he was being quiet. "My name is Mr. Longfellow. I am your principal."   
  
"We just met the guy and suddenly he thinks he's our 'pal'. This fuckin' sucks." Yamagata said, still standing next to me. I clamped a hand over his mouth.   
  
"Bad words, friend Yamagata!" I said loudly. He struggled to get away from my grip, but I grabbed onto his shirt and pulled myself up onto his shoulders, where I sat with my legs draping over his shoulders. He grabbed onto my legs and held me there while I leaned on his head.   
  
"Yes, that behavior shall have to be corrected as soon as possible." Mr. Longfellow said quietly. Gee, he's quiet. Good thing we were all scared stiff by the evil school so we couldn't talk. Tails was the competent one, and he moved forward to talk with Mr. Longfellow.   
  
"It's nice to meet someone with such intelligence as yours, Mr. Longfellow. I speak for my siblings and their friends when I say: I am glad to be here! Learning is such a wonderful thing!"   
  
"ARGH!!" Mugetsu cried out, holding his head in his hands. He staggered crazily, yelling out in agony. "Please! NOOOO!"   
  
"What's wrong with that boy?" Mr. Longfellow asked concerned yet quietly. Toya grabbed the principal's arm dramatically.   
  
"Mugetsu, my dearest brother, suffers from a disease that can only be cured by singing the Song of Socks while eating a peanut butter and asparagus sandwich and a nectarine from the island of Zoop!"   
  
"Why doesn't he do it, then?" The quietly confused principal asked. Mugetsu wailed and clung to Mr. Longfellow's leg.   
  
"Someone else must perform this task, or else my bro-bro will turn into a purple fish from Zanzibar!" I cried from atop Yamagata. Ford rushed forward with a sandwich that was dripping with peanut butter and asparagus. In his other hand was a nectarine obviously from the island of Zoop. He thrust them into the hands of Mr. Longfellow. He looked at the food items questionably and quietly.   
  
"Do it, Mr. Longfellow! Sing the Song of Socks and eat like you've never eaten before!" Shadow called.   
  
"I don't know the Song of Socks…" Longfellow mumbled quietly while he shook Mugetsu off of his leg.   
  
"Make one up, please!" Eowyn cried, hiding her face in her hands. Eomer comforted her. "I don't want my brother to be a purple fish!"   
  
"Oh, socks, I like my socks…" Longfellow sang. He stuck the sandwich in his mouth and chewed, "Socks are comfy, socks are white, socks are nice…" He downed the sandwich and began working on the nectarine from the island of Zoop, "Socks, oh, socks… Socks don't taste good after a long run… Socks…" He swallowed the last of the nectarine and finished his song. Mugetsu stopped writhing around on the ground and stood up.   
  
"You, sir, are gullible." He patted Longfellow on the head and back flipped into the crowd of us. We all began laughing. Longfellow's face turned red and he wiped the peanut butter from his face.   
  
"Ms. Brown is not going to be pleased." Longfellow mumbled as he motioned for us to follow him. I hugged the top of Yamagata's head as we walked toward the doors that lead into the evil school. Kai ran up to Mr. Longfellow and bowed respectfully.   
  
"We are truly sorry that we embarrassed you, sir. Please accept this as a show of our gratitude!" He took the Madrangora wreath from around his neck and put it around the principal's neck. Mr. Longfellow smiled.   
  
"I suppose all of you can't be bad." We walked into the school It was just as evil as the outside. It was dark and creepy on the inside, and it smelt of mildew and glue. I held my nose shut and rested my chin in Yamagata's hair. He looked up at me, breathing a sigh.   
  
"Are you having fun up there, or are you ready to come down yet?" he asked, seemingly a bit annoyed. I made a sniffling sound and pressed my finger against his cheek.   
  
"I'll get down if you give me a cookie!" I said. He thrust a cookie into the hand that was pressing against his cheek. I hopped down and munched on the yummy cookie. Yamagata punched me lightly on the shoulder.   
  
"You're heavier than you look, kid."   
  
"It's because I sit on people's shoulders and ask for cookies." I wiped my hands off on my pretty khaki pants.   
  
"Your room is in here, kids." Mr. Longfellow opened a decorated door for us. We stood, looking stupidly at the open door before us. Longfellow motioned for us to walk in. Still, we stared dumbly. I sighed, sticking my hands in my pockets, and I walked forward into the bright classroom. Kuwabara tried to restrain me, but Nicholas shook his head. He shifted his cross on his shoulder and started walking after me. I stepped into the bright light of the room, shielding my eyes.   
  
There were two long wooden tables in the middle of the room, and they were surrounded by small wooden chairs. In another part of the room, there was a chalkboard with many things stuck on it: the alphabet, a calendar, colors, and such. Cardboard happy shapes hung from the ceiling and colored pictures plastered the walls. At a metal desk covered in encouraging smiling things sat a woman with blonde hair falling to her chest. She looked up with sparkling purple eyes and smiled at me. She stood, setting her pencil aside, and opened her arms in a friendly way.   
  
"Welcome to my classroom," she said sweetly, "I am Ms. Brown. You must belong to the Valentine family. Well, I am so glad..."   
  
"Excuse me, Nick." Kaneda said as he pushed past my brother and into the classroom. After him was Kai with a wry smile on his face, then Yamagata, hands in his pockets. Tetsuo filed in after him, and their eyes fell on the beautiful kindergarten teacher.   
  
"Edward has a present for Mr. Longfellow!" She said, holding the Magical Nitro out in front of her. Longfellow was about to take it, but Ed took it back. "Edward thinks that she needs to give it to Mr. Longfellow outside..." After a moment, Ed came galloping back into the classroom as an explosion ripped through the air. Bye bye, Mr. Longfellow...   
  
Kai's eyes filled with tears.   
  
"An angel!" he cried, and he flung himself at her feet. Ms. Brown recoiled in fear. Kai hugged her ankles. "An angel fallen from heaven and into my life! Please, I must know your name! I cannot go on living with out your lovely name!"   
  
"Ms. Carol Brown." She told him, kicking him off of her legs. He fell back onto his butt, eyes still fixed on the lovely Ms. Brown.   
  
"But that can't be!" Kai cried, tears moistening his eyes. "An angel such as yourself can't possibly be without an adoring husband… or at least a boyfriend…" He edged closer to Ms. Brown, a mischievous look gleaming in his eye.   
  
"Restrain yourself, Kai." A large hand grabbed Kai by the collar of his shirt. We were all very surprised to see Mr. John Harrison holding Kai back. The others filed in after us, saying hello to Mr. Harrison as they passed him, still holding back the hysterical Kai.   
  
"But I love her! You can't tear bonds between us! Our love will live on!" I grabbed a stick from Leah and whacked Kai over the head with it. He looked at me, hurt, but I shook my head.   
  
"Students should never date teachers. It only starts fights and lawsuits… Trust me." I carried Kai over to a seat next to Yamagata. His bottom lip trembled, and he turned to face Ms. Brown, clenching his fists dramatically.   
  
"No matter how far apart we are, my love, I will always be in your heart!" I settled down into a seat next to Jet and Kuwabara. Across from me sat the bike gang. My heart stopped dead and my face hit the wooden table in front of me as Kaneda sat across from me. Kuwabara leapt from his seat, screaming. Ms. Brown turned around in alarm.   
  
"What's wrong?" She asked sweetly. Kuwabara pointed to Kaneda.   
  
"He killed my baby sister!!" With that, Kuwabara's fist crashed into Kaneda's face and knocked him out of his seat. Ms. Brown screamed as my brother leapt across the table and was about to land on Kaneda as the biker brought his feet up and the boots met my brother square in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. His back fell against the table. Kaneda pounced on my red-haired brother, pounding his fists into his face. By now, most everyone in the classroom was rooting for either my brother or Kaneda (mostly Kaneda) and my heart started again.   
  
I watched with interest as Kuwabara slammed an uppercut on Kaneda's jaw. Kaneda flew through the air and landed on the second wooden table. He bounced off and, fists forward, tackled Kuwabara hard. The two grappled with each other, and the occasional blood spot appeared on the tile floor. Ms. Brown was screaming at the front of the class, and Mr. Harrison, along with a new teacher, ran into the room. Mr. Harrison grabbed Kaneda's fist just as it was about to deliver another blow. The new teacher restrained Kuwabara. Blood was dripping from Kaneda's nose, and Kuwabara wiped blood from the corner of his mouth, breathing hard.   
  
Suddenly, they both began to laugh. Kaneda wiped his bleeding nose with the back of his glove, and put the other hand out to receive a high five. Kuwabara gave it to him, and they both laughed harder. Kuwabara glanced over at me, who was also laughing. They both hopped up and shook hands. I shook my head, smiling. Those were my guys.   
  
Ms. Brown was breathing almost as hard as the guys that were fighting. She covered her eyes for a moment, then glared up at the two boys, who were still laughing. But before a word left her mouth, Kai was shielding her.   
  
"How dare you two fight in the presence of such an intoxicatingly beautiful woman! She could have fainted! You don't know!!" He turned to Ms. Brown and smiled like an idiot. I covered my face. I didn't know I looked that stupid when I smiled like an idiot.   
  
"Take your seats!" Ms. Brown warned. She looked at Kai, who was still smiling stupidly. "That means you too!" She pointed at the tables. His heart broken, Kai sat down, tears dripping down his cheeks. He suddenly erupted into a fit of crying, and he covered his face with his hands. Yamagata stood angrily.   
  
"You bitch! Look what you did to him!" Kai's monotonous cries blubbered out of his mouth and around the silent room. Yamagata helped Kai out of his seat and out the door.   
  
"Where do you two think you're going?" She called after them.   
  
"To calm his broken soul!" Yamagata cried in a dramatic tone. Ms. Brown covered her mouth in surprise. Kaneda flopped down in his seat again, exhausted. Kuwabara spat blood into the trash can and sat down next to me. I put my arm around his shoulders and gave him a cookie. I reached into my cargo pocket and pulled a cookie out for Kaneda. I offered it to him. He smiled gratefully, and was about to take it as Leah swooped in, landing on Kaneda's head.   
  
"What have I told you about taking cookies from people in my family that are wearing orange, dearest Kaneda?"   
  
"Er… nothing?"   
  
"WRONG! For now I am telling you that it is BAD!" Leah stole the cookie from my hand and went back to sitting on her first husband Spike's head. Kaneda sighed.   
  
"She's got me in handcuffs." He mumbled.   
  
"No she doesn't." I told him. "You were kicking my brother's ass a second ago." Kaneda showed his wrists to me, and indeed, Leah had slipped handcuffs on him in the moment she had been sitting on his head. 


	7. Going To School: Introductions

"Okay, now that we are settled down, I think that we should get started with class." Ms. Brown said sweetly. She pointed at herself. "For those of you that didn't hear, I am Ms. Brown. Now I would like to get to know all of you. Think really hard about what you think your best trait is. I'm going to have you each stand up and you will tell your name to your classmates and me, then tell me what you like best about yourself."   
  
"But Ms. Brown," Thomas said, "Almost all of us are from the same family, and we know a lot about each other already." Ford smacked him upside the head.   
  
"Just do what the woman asks, dope!" Ford said.   
  
"Why don't you try to tell your classmates, meaning your family, something you've never told them before." Ms. Brown suggested. Everyone nodded in agreement. Ms. Brown looked at the first person sitting close to her, and it was someone that wasn't in our family, though she did look kinda weird.   
  
"My name is Kerri Summy, and I am a demon. I like to eat doughnuts." The demon girl sat down, and we all clapped politely, as did Ms. Brown. The next person stood.   
  
"I'm Thomas Shubaltz Valentine, and I've always… hated Ford!! He never leaves me alone! I just wanna rip his…!"   
  
"Thomas!" Ms. Brown interrupted. "You can sit down, Thomas!" Thomas did so. Ford, who was sitting next to him, stood.   
  
"I'm Ford Prefect Valentine, and I've never drunk more that five Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters at a time." We clapped politely.   
  
"I am Eowyn Valentine and I… I've always… I've always wanted to be a rock star!! I always wanted to dye my hair pink! I've always wanted an electric guitar!!" Eowyn began playing air guitar. Ms. Brown made her sit down.   
  
"I am Eomer Valentine, and whenever I ride a horse, I ride side saddle." We all gasped and looked at each other. Ms. Brown made us be quiet.   
  
"My name is Fanny Shurwood, and I like to pick my nose." The little human girl began to pick her nose, and we all made gross noises as Ms. Brown told the next person to stand.   
  
"I'm Jet Black Mage and I never liked bell peppers and beef." Spike stood, his fists clenched.   
  
"You traitor!!" He cried. Mr. Harrison restrained Spike and made him sit. It was my turn next. I stood and cleared my throat.   
  
"I'm Erin Valentine, and I've always been in love with Kaneda." I covered my mouth as my face burned a redder red than it had ever burned before. The classroom erupted with sound as everyone began talking, and I fainted. Kaneda's face turned red as Mr. Harrison dragged me out of the room, unconscious. It took almost ten minutes to quiet the class down. Kuwabara stood next.   
  
"I'm Kazuma Kuwabara Valentine, and I'm gonna kick Kaneda's ass when school's out." He sat back down, glaring at the red-jacketed biker.   
  
"Toya Kinomoto Valentine, and my present to Erin was way better than Thomas's."   
  
"I'm Shadow Valentine, and I am the reason Amy never married Sonic."   
  
"I'm Tails Prower Valentine, and I actually failed a grade."   
  
"I'm Aragorn Valentine and I think that Arwen needs to wash her hair."   
  
"I'm Ghan-buri-Ghan Valentine, and I have considered changing my name to Arthur more than once."   
  
"My name is Mike Nelson Valentine, and I actually liked 'Hobgoblins'."   
  
"I am Merrill Hess Valentine, and I only took steroids once, and it was for my 507-footer over the west wall."   
  
"I'm Knuckles Valentine, and I don't enjoy the taste of dirt."   
  
"I'm Tetsuo Shima Valentine, and I enjoy petting fluffy bunnies."   
  
"My name's Kaneda Shotaru, and I got my bike from my Uncle George's 'Fix Me Up' shop."   
  
"Yamagata. I like children." (Oh how sweet! –Ms. Brown)   
  
"K-k-k-k… I am Kai…. I…. I love you!!! Don't break my heart again!! I need to be with you!!"   
  
"I'm Yuske Urameshi Mage, and I really was trying to steal that kid's lunch money when I was hit by the car."   
  
"I am Charlie Huggs, and I can do this!"   
  
"Charlie! No! Pull your pants back up!!"   
  
"I'm Spike Spiegel, and I can safely say that I've never seen a kid do that in public."   
  
"I am Leah Spiegel Valentine the Stampede, and I am 13 years old with three husbands and four boyfriends."   
  
"I am Vash the Stampede, and I can do this!"   
  
"ARGH! DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME!!"   
  
"No, Vash! The apple's that way!"   
  
Bang!   
  
"See? Wasn't that great?! HEHEHEHEE!!"   
  
"I AM MUGETSU VALENTINE!! FEAR ME!! Oh.. and I always wanted a pony minion!"   
  
"Name's Meriadoc Brandybuck Valentine, and my name is the only one longer than Ghan-buri-Ghan's and shorter that Ed's."   
  
"They call me Roy Valentine, and my sword is made out of aluminum alloy."   
  
"Link Valentine is my name, and after I killed Volvagia, my grief was so great that I fasted for a week."   
  
"Saya Valentine. I kill Chiropterids, so stay away from me."   
  
"I AM ZIM!"   
  
"I'm Nicholas Wolfwood Valentine, and this cross can also be used as a floatation device."   
  
"This is Edward! Edward Wong Hau Pepilu Tiveruski the Fourth Valentine!! Ed likes to eat pudding!"   
  
"We know that, Ed!"   
  
"Then… Edward likes to eat minions!"   
  
"I'm Botan Mage, and when I ferry people across the River Styx, I live to overcharge them."   
  
"Pippin Took Mage, they call me, and I like the occasional Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster as well."   
  
"I'm Jerry Jones, and glue sticks in my hair good."   
  
"I'm Shu Mage, and this stick is really a metal pipe disguised as a stick!"   
  
"There." Ms. Brown said, exhausted. "Now that all of the introductions are done, we can start class. First, Mr. Longfellow will come on with the announcements, and we will all rise for the national anthem!" We waited for almost twenty minutes before a voice came over the intercom. It was quiet at first, and the speaker cleared its throat.   
  
"Mr. Longfellow will not be giving the announcements this morning seeing as his body parts are strewn across the front lawn." Ed laughed out loud and hopped up and down in her seat, "Today we would like to welcome the whole Valentine family to our own community within this happy school. Lunch today will be cheese pizza with green beans and a choice of milk or juice. Now all rise for the national anthem." Everyone in the class was forced to stand up and look up at the PA. Leah looked around, confused.   
  
"This! This is not the national anthem of Transylvania! This is all wrong!" Leah held her ears in anguish. The song finished, and Ms. Brown tapped her foot impatiently.   
  
"If Mrs. Spiegel Valentine the Stampede would like to come up in front of the class and sing for us the national anthem of Transylvania, maybe she will make up for her total disrespect of our nation." Leah got up from her seat and motioned for Saya and Jerry Jones to follow her. The three stood in the front of the room. Leah cleared her throat. She and Saya began singing.   
  
"Cows in capes,   
  
Cows in capes,   
  
I eat them with pie!   
  
Eat with me my brothers,   
  
Eat the cows in capes!   
  
Pie and cows,   
  
Cows in capes,   
  
Transylvania kicks ass!!"   
  
All the while, little Jerry Jones was singing this:   
  
"Poo,   
  
Poo,   
  
Poo,   
  
Poo on floor and   
  
Glue,   
  
Glue,   
  
Glue,   
  
Glue on hair…"   
  
Ms. Brown, thoroughly confused, let them all sit back down. A knock came on the door, and I stumbled back into the classroom. On my head was a pack of ice and in my hand was a yellow hall pass. The teacher took it and told me to sit back down. I lazily meandered to my seat and plopped down into it. My head fell onto my crossed arms lying on the desk. The ice rolled off my head and onto the desk.   
  
"Damn… Damn ice!" I yelled into my arms. I felt it set back onto my head, and I looked up. Kaneda smiled at me and pointed at the ice on my head. I blushed again and hid my face back in my arms. I heard Yamagata whispering something to Kaneda, and I peeked back up at them. Kaneda glanced from me to Yamagata, then began to laugh. Yamagata didn't smile.   
  
"It's not funny, Kaneda," he said quietly, his face holding the slightest shade of pink I'd ever seen.   
  
"Okay, everyone." Ms. Brown had finally quieted everyone down, and we stared at her with rapt attention. She smiled. "Since there were delays in your arrival at school, delays when you arrived at school, delays when you entered the classroom, delays in the introductions, and delays with the announcements, it's now time for lunch. If you would all please line up in alphabetical order at the door and wait for me…" These last words were drowned out as everyone in the class stampeded toward the open door. The biggest clump of people that was now stuck in the doorway was comprised of mostly the Valentine males, but also the bike gang and myself.   
  
I clawed my way to the top of the pile and launched myself through the tiny opening between the top of the doorframe and the pile of family members beneath me. I laughed heartily as I started galloping toward the cafeteria. I felt a hand grab the collar of my orange plaid jacket, and I was hauled to a stop. I turned around viscously to see who had attacked me, but wasn't very surprised to look into Mr. Harrison's face. He dragged me back to Ms. Brown's door and set me down in the front of the line.   
  
"You children are going to have to learn about order and following commands. Ms. Brown told you to-"   
  
"But we don't need to follow commands! We have Tetsuo!" I bullied. I heard a small cheer behind me as Nicholas and some others slapped Tetsuo on the back. Harrison punctuated his finger centimeters from my nose.   
  
"You'll learn to follow school rules, little Valentine, or you'll get a detention… or get expelled!"   
  
"What're those?" I asked with the innocence of an awakened mother bear during hibernation.   
  
"A detention is when you are temporarily suspended from your classes and sent to do extra work in an old, smelly, tiny room with a woman with the same proportions as the room watching you, unfaltering. An expulsion, on the other hand, is when you are sent back to your home for a certain amount of days, and all the work you are handed is to be done when you return."   
  
"Are you threatening me, Mr. Harrison?" My eyes became wet with hot tears. Confused, Harrison took a step back, "I though we were good friends, Mr. Harrison… All the things we went through together… I can't believe.." the tears sprung from my eyes and cascaded down my face. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME!!" I broke into tears and fell to my knees. Harrison, a look of surprise on his face, went to comfort me, but he found the fact that a huge metal cross, wrapped in cloth had landed rather forcefully on his head prevented him from doing so. His eyes rolled back in his head and he fell unconscious on the ground in front of me. I smiled evilly and wiped the fake tears from my eyes. I shook Nicholas's hand.   
  
"It's great to be able to cry on demand." I said to myself as we all raced toward the happy eating place. 


	8. Going To School: Food Fight

The cafeteria was a big place. It had tables set at strategically placed intervals along the gym floor. They looked like fake picnic tables on wheels. Of course, we knew what picnic tables looked like, because we had taken a trip to Pennsylvania a while ago. (more on that later ;P) There was a line along one of the large walls of the gym, which was now being used as the cafeteria. We all lined up, as Mr. Harrison had showed us. I stuck my hands into the cargo pockets of my khakis and pulled out my lunch money! Oh joy!   
  
Botan and Knuckles were ahead of me in line. I saw that a fat old lady in a hair net with way too much eye shadow shoved a Styrofoam plate with a rectangular piece of pizza and some green cylindrical shapes that might or might not have been green beans. Botan sniffed them lightly and made a disgusted face. The fat lady harumphed and shoved the same thing toward Knuckles. The poor echidna was still mourning the loss of his knuckles. I was eager to see him meet up with Harrison. I felt rough Styrofoam shoved into my hands, and at once I saw the reason Botan had sniffed at it. The green cylindrical objects were swimming in a vile-looking liquid that in no way possible could have been healthy for me. The "pizza" looked like a piece of oily rubber slapped onto a piece of cardboard, held together by thick, red super glue. It, too, was swimming in a clear, vile smelling liquid. It may have been grease, but if it was, it was made no more appetizing. I looked, disgusted, at the old fat lady in the hair net and she motioned for me to move toward a skinny, wrinkly short, old woman sitting next to the cash register. I tried to make my disgusted face go away, but the look was stuck to my face. I walked forward with foreboding dread.   
  
"Money, please, dear." The frail old woman at the cash register demanded. My shaking hand deposited the two dollars in her hand, afraid that the extra weight of the dollar bills would make her hand fall off the wrist. Luckily, I was spared this unfortunate happening, and I moved on, clutching the dime I had been given as change. I saw the bike gang sitting at a table, and Kai waved me over. I smiled and ran over to them. Kaneda sat across from me with Kai and I sat next to Yamagata. Tetsuo sat on the other side of Kaneda, knowing that my overprotective brothers would want to keep me out of trouble.   
  
I was surprised when Spike sat on the other side of me, followed by Leah, then Vash. Vash, despite the green cylinders and the oily pizza, had piled his tray high with fresh doughnuts. He licked his lips, and offered one to Leah, who took it gladly. She stuck it in her mouth, then glared at me. I glanced at Kaneda, then back to Leah. I felt Yamagata tap me on the shoulder, and I gladly turned away from Leah's evil stare. I saw a cookie in my face when I thought I would see Yamagata. I screamed.   
  
"YAMAGATA'S HEAD TURNED INTO A COOKIE!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. The whole cafeteria turned to stare at me, but I looked again, and saw he was just offering me a cookie from the bag of them he had bought. I made an "Ohhh," sound and looked back at the cafeteria.   
  
"MY MISTAKE! IT'S A NORMAL HEAD!" I turned back to Yamagata and the cookie, smiling like the idiot I was.   
  
"I'm not sure you should really have this…" Yamagata, the hint of a sarcastic smile on his face.   
  
"Who are you fooling, old boy?" I asked jovially, taking the cookie, "Everyone needs a cookie sometimes!" I snacked on the beautiful cookie, savoring every wonderful bite of its cookie-ness. I sighed and smiled warmly at the cookie. I glanced back over at Yamagata, wanting to thank him for the cookie, but he looked away quickly and seemed very preoccupied with the green cylinders in front of him. I gave him a quizzical look that he didn't see, and went back to munching on the cookie.   
  
My eyes drifted to the other members of my family. I saw Botan and Ed sitting together, and Botan started laughing for some odd reason. Yuske was just down the table from us, and he was talking to someone I didn't know, punctuating every word with his fork. Pippin and Merry were sitting together, arguing with a woman wearing a whistle. I think they were yelling about the absence of alcohol in the building.   
  
"This is an elementary school! Why would you expect to find a 'pint' in such a building?!"   
  
"Because, no offense for not noticing ma'am, but we're not children." Merry pointed out.   
  
"Merry's right: We're Hobbits, or at least that's what we call ourselves. I'm exactly 29, and my dear cousin is 35, give or take a month or two. As you see, we're well over the age…" I lost track of the conversation as I looked over at Nicholas and Kuwabara sitting together. Neither had their food in front of them, but rather they had pushed them to a convenient spot that was being stared at greedily by a group of kids. Kuwabara yelled at them, and they scattered like cockroaches in the light. Nicholas shook his head and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket.   
  
I suddenly found out why Botan had been laughing. A greasy piece of pizza landed on my cheek, grease splattering all over my face and into my hair. I made the most disgusted look I could muster, and I ripped the revolting thing from my face, but before I could retaliate, Yamagata stood up and hurled his own piece of pizza at Ed, who was pointing at me and laughing. Yamagata's pizza landed hard in Ed's hair, and she suddenly began screaming while she jumped up and down on the table.   
  
"FOOD FIGHT!! FOOD FIGHT!!" Her adolescent shrieks reached the ceiling, and no one argued with the notion. My hand scooped up the disgusting piece of pizza from my tray as well as the one that Ed had planted on my face. One zoomed for Tails while the other one landed with a squelch on Merrill. Food flew everywhere, and no one cared but the teachers, who yelled themselves hoarse but didn't do a damn thing to stop us. I was plastered in pizza grease and I had green cylinders that might or might not have been green beans in my hair. I laughed as I turned around and tipped the juices that the green objects had been floating in, along with the swimming pool the pizza had been in, onto Spike's head. He smashed his tray over my head, and I dove at his middle, knocking him to the floor.   
  
More food had dropped onto the floor than onto the participants of the food fight, and Spike's back squelched into pizza. I grabbed some mashed potatoes that were on the floor and threw them into Spike's face. His feet caught my stomach, and I was sent flying up into the air. My back landed on the fake picnic table, and I yelled out. I heard the sound of feet rushing toward Spike, and I had an odd feeling that they weren't going to help him up.   
  
Aha, there he was, being lifted into the air by Tetsuo's powers and, Ah yes, Kuwabara jumping up in the air to kick him in the stomach. I rubbed my eyes and tried to sit up. I saw Leah attacking Kuwabara and Tetsuo, Spike now standing on the fake picnic table next to the one I was sprawled out on. He held his gun toward Kuwabara and Tetsuo as Leah chased them away. I fell back after my attempt to sit up, and Leah cuddled up next to Spike. I felt a greasy hand take mine and pull me up to a sitting position.   
  
"Can't let a friend stay down," Yamagata told me as he shoved a cookie covered in pizza grease into my hand, "Here's some ammo." A smile flickered across his face, and I stood, determined.   
  
"WHO WANTS SOME!!??" I yelled, brandishing my greasy cookie. I felt food battering me from every side, and I weakly threw my cookie at a random face in the crowd. I peeked and saw that I had hit Kaneda between the eyes. He rubbed his forehead in pain, and the last thing I saw was Leah's sharp, pointy teeth inches from my face.   
  
"BLARGH!!" I cried as I shielded my face. Too late. Leah had hopped up onto my back, forcing me to fall to the hard ground. I managed to cushion my fall by landing on my side, but Leah grabbed me by the hair and shoved my face into some mashed potatoes that had landed on the floor. I gasped for breath as I emerged from the potatoes, only to have greasy food thrown at me from all angles again. I opened my eyes to see that Leah had me by the collar of my orange plaid jacket, levitating above the crowd. Below me, they were all armed with greasy food, generously supplied by the evil lunch ladies. A thick slice of ham dripping with butter slapped across my face first, then some moldy bread attacked my legs. Peanut butter sandwiches laden with potato chips bombarded my midsection. I opened my mouth to scream, but an old orange hit me in the mouth, and I closed it quickly. I shielded my face, but it was at that moment that Leah decided to drop me. I fell the seven feet that she was holding me above the table and landed on it, making it squeal with strain. I lay there, embarrassed beyond belief more than anything else. I had a hoagie sticking out from my ear, for God's sake! Leah went up to Kaneda and made sure that he was unhurt, concerned. I realized that she was truly worried about him. I smiled inwardly, but I couldn't form my mouth into that shape on the outside.   
  
"What has happened here!?" I heard Ms. Brown's sweet but harsh voice echoed around the cafeteria, and what was left of the food fight stopped. She marched up to the teachers and lunch ladies who had witnessed the food fight while I heard Kuwabara and Merrill running up to me. One of them pulled the hoagie from my ear while the other one helped me to a sitting position.   
  
"Well, I am very disappointed in all of you." Ms. Brown said in a quiet voice. My head drooped. "I'll be taking my class to my room this instant. Come on, Valentines, you heard me. You too, Mages, bikers." Reluctantly, we all followed her, grease dripping off of all of us. I looked over my shoulder to see a line of janitors behind us with mops. Something snapped in my head, and I suddenly found this all hilariously funny. I started giggling at first, but I couldn't hold anything in, and the hall was filled with my raucous laughter. I pointed at me, then I pointed at everyone else, then at myself again. Tears welled in my eyes as a drop of grease fell from on top of my nose and onto my hand. The class was looking back at me, strange smiles forming on their faces. I had to hold my stomach to keep it from hurting I was laughing so hard. I was bent double, tears running from my eyes. I couldn't stand it any more and fell to my knees, shaking with laughter. Nicholas grabbed one of my shoulders while Tetsuo took the other one, and they dragged me along, laughing at the hilarity of it all. 


End file.
